


No way out of the mind

by everything_that_is_the_case



Category: History Boys (2006), History Boys - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Suicide, im a horrible person, mental health, why am i so mean to scripps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 17:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17812334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everything_that_is_the_case/pseuds/everything_that_is_the_case
Summary: Dakin visits Pos and Scripps after an argument, but it doesn't take long to realise that it's not just him who's got problems.





	No way out of the mind

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it again! I wrote another Scosner, because I feel like anything including Dakin/Irwin would end up being kind of inappropriate, cause, you know, Dakin. Possible trigger warnings because a lot of the story revolves around a panic attack, and a recent, referenced suicide attempt by Posner. Thanks to anyone who read my last one, it was surprisingly popular for something that I could probably have done much better on. Right then, on with the show!  
> 'To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering' - Friedrich Nietzche

Don couldn’t help but worry when he walks through the door to see Posner huddled up on the couch.

“Alright, love? How was your day?” he asked kindly, making his way over to sit by David. He shrugged. “S’ok, I suppose. No, I’m not meant to say that. Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he mumbled, his speech jittery and panicked. It’s enough to make Scripps think he’s having another anxiety attack, one of the ones that built up and up before crumbling mid-week, leaving a destroyed Posner, and a Scripps to try working as support. Running a hand through Posner’s hair, he shook his head and sighed. “No need to apologise love. It’s just another bad day, not the end of the world,”

Posner shook his head, coming to terms with the fact that Don would never know that it felt like the end of the world, when he was being swallowed into this dark empty hell that thrived off nothing but his pain. A spiralling roundabout with no exits. A cage with nothing but walls.

A flushing noise rang through the flat, and Don raised an inquisitive answer. “Who’s that?” he questioned, tilting his head in the way he knows Posner finds amusing. David giggled and answered nervously, unsure of Donald’s reaction. “Tom and Stuart had a fight. Dakin turned up about an hour ago. I made him a coffee, but after…”. He trailed off, ashamed by his lack of enthusiasm. Scripps chapped lips pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Bad day, I know. So you couldn’t do much else for him. It’s fine,”. Inside, he boiled with rage at how inconsiderate Dakin was, what a prick he really could be.

Posner dragged himself from the sofa as the bathroom door opens. “I have work to do,”. Don grabbed at his wrist as he walked away, forcing him to turn and look at him. “No you don’t,” he whispered. “No,” Posner whispered back, snatching his wrist out of Don’s grasp. “No, I don’t,”. He lingered momentarily, and Don could see the pain that pools in the back of his eyes, the fear, guilt and shame that are all he seems to feel nowadays. He walked away, to the general seclusion of their bedroom.

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Dakin motioned towards the retreating figure as he sauntered towards Scripps. “Pos seems upset,” he commented, a hurt look crossing his face as Scripps scoffed.

“For fuck’s sake, don’t do that,” Don replied, turning his head to grimace. “Don’t pretend you fucking care about how Posner’s feeling,”

Dakin stared at his mate bewildered. “I care about Pos!” he protested.

“Yes, and five months ago, how much did you care about him then? Not as much as your holiday, I can recall,”

Dakin began to splutter furiously. “It was important! I had to do work!”

Scripps face flushed with fury “YOU WERE FORTY FUCKING MINUTES AWAY, STU! FORTY MINUTES! AND YOU STILL CHOSE TO STAY AWAY WHILE YOUR BEST MATE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF, FORTY FUCKING MINUTES AWAY!”

Don could almost say that Dakin’s eyes were filling with tears, but he knew Dakin too well to know that regret wasn’t something he was capable of. “Look, I’m sorry…” he stuttered.

“No you’re not, Stu! You couldn’t give a shit what either of us are going through right now! As for caring about him, that ‘caring’ homophobia, that ‘caring’ stigma you built up around everything he did in high school, why don’t you go in there and sort out the consequences of that? Because that’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past year, Dakin, and its taking it’s fucking toll!”

“Why is all this coming out now?” Dakin blurted, shocked by his friend’s unprecedented outburst.

“Because now, Stuart bloody Dakin, my boyfriend has locked himself in his room having an anxiety attack, and you’ve jus waltzed in here with all your problems, thinking we’ll be available to sort out your love life for you! You can’t just come here every time you and Irwin argue, you can’t ignore the problems that I’ve got with my own partner, without having to add yours on! For God’s sake, Stuart, grow up and realise that not every corner of the planet revolves round your FUCKING EGO!”

Dakin stared at his childhood friend, shock and confusion displayed on his face. “Shit, Don. I just didn’t realise it was like that. I thought it just…I don’t know what I thought. Is it really that bad?”

Scripps collapsed onto the sofa, sitting with his head in his hands. “Yeah, it’s that bad. It’s always that bad. You’ve not seen what it’s like, Stu. When he just…” Scripps voice breaks as it all comes flowing out.

“He just sits there. Doesn’t get up, can’t get up. Wears the same clothes three days in a row. Doesn’t eat. And when I come home…” Tears flooded his eyes. “When I come home and he’s covered with blood, because he can’t stop hurting himself. And he just sits there and cries because there is literally nothing either of us can do. It hurts me too, to see him like that. To see him so caught up in what he is now.”

Dakin looked at the floor, ashamed. “Don, it’s ok. It’ll all be fine, I’m sure,”

Scripps looked up, a bitter smile twisted on his face. “Well that’s great. Dakin says it’ll be fine, the world will surely listen to that! Never mind the tablets, the great Dakin will cure Posner’s crippling depression and anxiety!”

A sudden surge of anger rushed through Dakin. “What do you want me to do about it then? What do you think I can do that stops this mess you two are in? If it’s so hard, why do you stay?”

Scripps voice is choked with emotion. “I stay because I care. I stay because if anything happens, I might break too,”

Dakin saw the pain that was drawn on his friend’s face, the stricken look behind those eyes that hid so much.

“I just want you to find somewhere else to go when something goes wrong. Someone else to tell. Because so many things are going wrong here that I don’t know if I can take someone else’s problems. God knows I can’t take my own,”

There was true sorrow behind every word that poured out of Scripps mouth. And suddenly Dakin could see what was happening. How Scripps was struggling. How hard it must be, trapped in this circle, teetering on the edge, holding onto someone who wants nothing more than to fall. And it looked like Scripps couldn’t balance much longer.

A choking noise filled the room. Scripps turned to see Posner standing in the doorway, shaking uncontrollably, tears all over his puffed face. “Don…” he panted, ragged breaths affecting his speech. He could barely speak. “Don, it won’t stop,”

“What won’t stop, love?”

Posner shook his head, staring at his trembling hands. His mouth felt dry. His heart thudded in his chest. He felt like screaming, just screaming till time stopped and everything around him fell to pieces. Scripps ran towards him as his knees crumpled, wrapping his arms round his waist. Dakin stood watching the pair. Scripps tightened his grasp as David started to scream, hitting out at everything, frantically trying to shove Donald away. He resisted against his boyfriend’s touch, until his body stopped supporting him, and fell back, exhausted. His throat was hoarse, every pain-filled howl preventing him from choking out his thoughts, the words he wanted to yell out to the world. Don led him to the sofa, and sat with him sobbing hysterically in his arms, face buried in his neck, apologising constantly for the trivial things. Dakin stood awkwardly in the corner, unable to do anything but stare at the breakdown in front of his eyes. He stuttered. “Should…?”. Aware he looked like a fool, he motioned towards the kitchen. Scripps nodded, breathing deeply, his voice strained with his own withheld tears. “Just give us a minute,”. David looked up at Dakin, opening his mouth as if to say something, trying to force the words out of his mouth, before bending over double, shoulders heaving as his body shook with tears. Don began to stroke his back, murmuring.

“It’s ok, love. Everything is ok. There’s no need to apologise. I love you,”

Dakin walked out of the kitchen ten minutes later to find a pale, red-eyed Posner clinging to Scripps, still trembling slightly. “I’m sorry,” he exclaimed, his timid voice matching the shadow of the person he used to be. “You shouldn’t’ve had to see that,”. Dakin shook his head. “Please don’t say sorry. It’s not your fault,” He looks up, meeting Posner’s eyes. “I should be saying sorry. I’ve been such a dick, Pos. I didn’t realise what it was like. I’m really, really sorry,”.

Scripps face softened as he heard the regret echoing in his friend’s voice.

“David, love. I think me and Stu need a word. Will you be ok?”

He kissed him softly as Posner answered with a shaky nod, sitting up to allow Scripps to move.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“How often does that happen?” Dakin asked as Scripps dragged him into the kitchen.

Scripps shrugged. “Ones like that? Once a month perhaps. The smaller ones? Unpredictable. He can have multiple ones in a day if it’s that bad,”. His eyes are rimmed with red, and it hit Dakin in a sudden realisation. Scripps had nothing left. Posner was gone, too far into his illness to seemingly ever return. He had no friends – how could he, when he can barely leave the flat in fear of that happening? He had no support, no one to understand what he is going through with David. This was a nineteen year old boy, trying to balance university, love and the hellish reality of his boyfriend’s mental instability. A teenager trying to play the grown up’s game, and losing.

Scripps reached for the phone, shaking his head. “You need to go. Posner….” There are no words to describe what might happen that night. “It’s a danger night. I need my full attention for him, and him only. I’ll call Tom, I’m sure you two can make it up somehow,”

Dakin can see it fall. These walls that Don has carefully built up around him and David, so high, crumbling and collapsing as Scripps scrambled to try rebuild them.

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Irwin arrived half an hour later, hair stuck to his face with splatters of rain. “I think you’ve got something of mine,” he grinned ruefully as Don answers the door. Don gave a weak smile and pushed a surly Dakin into his lover’s arms. Irwin waved a cheery goodbye, the door slammed, and Scripps might as well have been left alone.


End file.
